Page 22C

You step into the tavern and observe the most motley crew of vagabonds you have ever seen in your entire life. Shoving past two orcs, you approach the barkeeper and ask if you can ask him a few questions.

“Only one each,” the barkeeper wheezes. “Any more, I’ll charge you for stealing my time and have you arrested and thrown beneath the mysterious figure’s lair.”

You laugh at the barkeeper’s joke, and the party decides what three questions you should ask.

A. Who is the mysterious figure?

B. What is the Ark of MacGuffin?

C. Are there any hidden passageways in the castle of Flooph?

D. Finish asking questions.

Page 22B

You ask the nearest shopkeep.

 You saunter up to the nearest shopkeep and ask him for a minute of his time.

“That’ll be five rupees,” he says, gesturing vaguely to his collection of clocks.

“No,” you say.”I just want to ask you a few questions.”

“Where’re my five rupees?” the shopkeep demands, rising onto his considerable girth and thrusting out a ham-sized fist. You assure him you have no money, and try to take your leave.

Before you know it, you are arrested for stealing the shopkeep’s time and chained in a dungeon beneath the mysterious figure’s lair. You try several times to escape, but all attempts are in vain, and you and your companions perish within the week. So close, yet so far, buddy.

Never mind, let’s not do that.

Page 22A

You ask the nearby gypsy.

Your party traipses into the mystic gypsy’s lair. Sitting across from her crystal ball, you ask her to tell you everything about the mysterious figure and the Ark of MacGuffin.

The gypsy tells you everything you need to know, including what the dejected salesperson meant when he said ‘place it simultaneously at the highest peak and the lowest valley of the world.’ Overjoyed over how easy your quest will now be, you start to take your leave.

“Not so fast,” the mystic gypsy croaks. “Where’s my money?”

Sheepishly, you tell her you have none.

The mystic gypsy immediately transforms the three of you into farm animals, sells you separately at below market price, and makes a mean profit. You are later turned into bacon and eaten by a fat farmer.

Never mind, let's not do that.

Page 21

Gathering together on the side of the street, you and your party discuss various plans of action to determine where you can find the mysterious figure, who holds the Ark of MacGuffin in the castle of Flooph.

“Nice plot recap,” the shotgun wizard says. You thank him for his comment.

The jetpack dragon suggests you ask the nearby mystic gypsy. The shotgun wizard suggests you ask the nearest shopkeep. You wonder if it wouldn’t be wiser for you to simply enter a tavern.

A.      Ask the nearby gypsy

B.      Ask the nearest shopkeep

C.      Enter a tavern

Page 20

After a harrowing journey you’d rather not remember or relive, you finally arrive at the kingdom next door. The city’s streets are littered with people, all calling and clamoring for your attention and money. No one in your party has money, and you can’t pay attention without it, so you respectfully make your way through.

Onward!

Page 19C

The jetpack dragon looks around with confusion, asking how he can breathe fire when he’s only a darling little kitten.

You and the shotgun wizard exchange glances.

Together, the two of you wind up and punch the dragon right in the gut. He gasps with surprise, exhaling a massive fireball. The fireball easily melts through the chains and continues far into the earth.

You are free!

The fireball catches the surroundings on fire, and, as the slavers call out in a panic, you and your comrades slip through the mayhem and head toward the kingdom next door.

Onward!

Page 19B

Together, the three of you begin to sing your favorite song. And then you sing it again. And again. And again.

Fed up with the racket, the slavers proceed to beat you to death. When they drag your battered bodies into town, they find a happy medium, who, on the slavers’ request, brings the three of you back to life.

Then, they beat you to death again.

Never mind, let’s not do that.

Page 19A



You strangle the guards.

To your great surprise, you actually succeed at strangling the slavers. Not only are you able to strangle the slavers near you, the other slavers foolishly wander right into your grasp. Once all the slavers are dead, the three of you celebrate. Who says a plan of action has to be hard?

Then you realize: you are still locked to the cart. No amount of pushing or pulling can move it, and when you search the slavers for keys, nothing turns up.

The three of you thirst to death in a matter of days.

Never mind, let’s not do that.

Page 18

As suddenly as it began, the demons disappear, and time speeds back to its normal pace. You gasp with the memory of the pain as your friends look at you quizzically. You tell them, despite your reservations, it’s time to figure out a way to retrieve the Ark of Macguffin.

The jetpack dragon suggests he and the shotgun wizard break your hands off so you can easily slide your arms out of the shackles. You say no, that would kill you. The shotgun wizard wonders why, because, since you’re a stick figure and all, it should be easy to reattach your hands to your arms.

You tiredly explain to your companions that you are not really a stick figure. “The stick figure you ‘see,’ ” you explain, “Is merely a crude representation of whoever happens to be reading the comic at the moment. Therefore, if you were to break my hands off, the reader’s hands would also break off, and then they would bleed all over their keyboards and be unable to continue onward.”

The shotgun wizard and jetpack dragon apologize for their idiocy.

After much deliberation, the three of you settle upon three courses of action.

A.      Strangle the slavers with their own chains.

B.      Annoy the slavers so much they let you go.

C.      Have the jetpack dragon breathe a fire so hot that it melts the chains.

Page 17

Time stands still. The shotgun wizard, the jetpack dragon, and all the slavers are completely silent and motionless. The entire scene looks as though it is merely a picture.

Millions of demons suddenly burst out of thin air, laughing raucously as they take your poor, defenseless body and massacre you again and again and again. You scream out in agony, but the demons do not relent.

Onward!

Page 16B

You don’t accept the quest.

“Very well,” the dejected salesperson wheezes. “Please, accept this token of my appreciation for listening to me!” He extends his hand forward. Being the gracious person that you are, you accept his hand.

“Ha hahahaha!” the dejected salesperson wheezes. “You are a fool! Now that you have accepted my hand, you will be cursed to wander the earth forever until you complete my quest! If you ever deviate from the path, you will be massacred by the spirits of my ancestors, only to be brought back to life, and massacred again!”

Then, the dejected salesperson dies.

You start to wonder how truthful this dejected salesperson really was. So, mustering all the effort you have, you think really hard about not doing the quest.

Onward!

Page 16A

You accept the quest.

“Ha hahahaha!” the dejected salesperson wheezes. “You are a fool! Now that you have accepted my quest, you will be cursed to wander the earth forever until you complete it! If you ever deviate from the path, you will be massacred by the spirits of my ancestors, only to be brought back to life, and massacred again!”

The dejected salesperson dies.

You start to wonder how truthful this salesperson really was. So, mustering all the effort you have, you think really hard about not doing the quest.

Onward!

Page 15

“Long ago, I promised my father that I would obtain the Ark of MacGuffin and place it simultaneously at the highest peak and the lowest valley of the world. This has been a promise passed down from generation to generation, and now I am the last salesperson alive, but I fear I shall die soon.”

You wonder why none of the salesmen ever succeeded if the promise was passed down from generation to generation, but the dejected salesperson interrupts your reverie.

“The Ark of MacGuffin is currently in the care of a mysterious figure who resides in the castle of Flooph within the kingdom of … of… I can’t remember the name, but it’s next door. I have tried many times to retrieve the ark, but I have been foiled every time by his numerous traps, puzzles, and minions. Please, please fulfill this quest for me. If you don’t, my family will never ascend out of purgatory into heaven! Please! You must promise me! Please!”

A.      You accept the quest.

B.      You deny the quest.

Page 14

The shotgun wizard and the jetpack dragon loudly complain about their rights and poor treatment as the slavers drag you toward their destination. Ignoring your companions, you listen to the slavers and realize they are actually quite nice guys. One has three little girls. Another plays shuffleboard on the weekends. A third always makes sure to put the toilet seat down. Despite their niceties, you fail to forget they’re planning on selling you to a life of slavery, and so you begin to hatch a plan of escape.

Looking around you, you realize there is another prisoner inside the carriage. He pokes his head out and feebly gasps, “You! Listen to my pleas!”

You decide to humor him. It’s not like you can do anything else anyway.

Onward!

Page 13

You wake up and discover you are surrounded by a band of slavers. They quickly chain all three of you to their carriage and drag you behind them. You are very put out.

Onward!

Page 12D

You forget them and go to sleep.

The three of you lay down and close your eyes. The firelight flickers, and, like all things, dies.

Onward!

Page 12C

You ask yourself your story.

You know who you are, I hope.

Back to the campfire!

Page 12B

You ask the shotgun wizard his story.

The shotgun wizard explains how he was an apprentice at a shotgun shop, working under his Master, who was the sole surviving member of the Order of the shotgun wizards. While they worked in the shop, a seven-fingered horse suddenly came and killed the Master. With his last dying breath, the Master gave the shotgun wizard the responsibility to be the bearer of the Order’s mantle. Swearing revenge, the shotgun wizard retrieved the instructions for THE ULTIMATE SPELL and finally killed the seven-fingered horse. Task accomplished, he was thrown into jail on nine counts of revenge.

“What’s the ultimate spell?” You ask without thinking.

“None of your diapers, jerkwad!” The shotgun wizard snaps.

You consider this for a moment, recalling page 2A and wondering if THE ULTIMATE SPELL is really as secret at the shotgun wizard makes it.

Back to the campfire!

Page 12A

You ask the jetpack dragon his story

The jetpack dragon explains how he was found and raised by a band of adorable kittens. Unfortunately, the Kitten Kingdom was taken over by a band of seemingly evil penguins, and so the jetpack dragon invented his propulsion machine, which finally helped his name make sense for the first time in his life. Using his propulsion machine, the jetpack dragon killed a great many penguins by using his head. Unfortunately, what the jetpack dragon didn’t realize was that the penguins treated the kittens like unto gods because they were so fluffy and wuffy and cute. The kittens banished the jetpack dragon from their kingdom forever, and so he tried his hand at performing in the circus. During one of his acts, his propulsion machine caught the main tent on fire, and he was thrown into jail.

“But,” the jetpack dragon says, “None of that matters, because I bumped my head and forgot everything.”

You briefly wonder just how much the jetpack dragon knows about anything.

Back to the fire!

Page 11

After you run like the dickens, you eventually stop and rest for the night. The party creates a bonfire, and you all stare into the flickering flames as though the very weight of the world rests upon each of your shoulders.

Glancing at your companions, you wonder, who exactly are they? All you really know is based on the few interactions you’ve had with them, but you don’t really know much beyond that. You decide to ask them each their back stories so you can understand them better.

A.      Ask the jetpack dragon his story.

B.      Ask the shotgun wizard his story.

C.      Ask yourself your story.

D.      Forget them! Just go to sleep.

Page 10

To everyone’s surprise, the door did, indeed, lead outside. You and your party continue running, celebrating your good fortune.

The entire jail explodes behind you. You start to pause and consider this new development, but your companions grab you and cart you off into the woods.

Onward!

Page 9

Your party tears down the hallway, looking for further traps and puzzles. Nothing but a single doorway greets you at the end, however, and so, with a triumphant battle cry, you and your new-found friends dive toward the door as one body.

Onward!

Page 8C

You choose the right door.

A long hallway greets you. You see no minotaur or chin-up bar, so you assume this leads to the exit. Much rejoicing is had from the party at large. As you run down the hallway, the creature waves farewell, thanking you for spending time with him. You find the creature’s advances to be rather creepy, and resolve to punch him in the face if you ever see him again.

Onward!

Page 8B



You choose the middle door.

You see the previously-mentioned minotaur and quickly shut the door. Before you can take a step back, however, the minotaur knocks the door down and runs into you, simultaneously puncturing all your vital organs with its horns. The shotgun wizard and jetpack dragon scream with fear as the minotaur carries you over to the snake pit and shakes your limp, trembling body off its head into the depths below.

Never mind, let's not do that.



Page 8A

You try the left door.

You behold the magic chin-up bar the magical creature referred to. Unimpressed, you start to shut the door, but a mystic voice inside your head commands NO. To your surprise, you feel yourself drawn against your will to the chin-up bar, reaching upward and grasping it firmly. You begin to do chin-up after chin-up, your will draining as the bar saps your strength. The shotgun wizard and jetpack dragon are pulled alongside you, and there the three of you remain for the rest of eternity.

Never mind, let's not do that.



Page 7

Your party makes it to the other side of the pit, allowing you to sigh with relief. Unfortunately, you are confronted by three separate doors, all of which are marked ‘exit.’

A strange creature suddenly greets you, dangling from the ceiling like it’s a party and you ain’t got nothin' to drink. The creature informs you that you must correctly figure out its riddle before attempting to exit. if you don’t listen to the riddle, it says, you have a 66% chance of dying. If you do, it says, you still have a 66% chance of dying, but at least you have some sort of hint. Seeing no other option, you agree to the creature’s terms.

Before you rests three separate doors

Beyond one lies freedom and more

Beyond another lies a minotaur

And the last contains an enchanted chin-up bar

The minotaur will destroy you in two seconds flat

Then chew and devour your quivering fat

The bar, while ridiculous, is entirely magic

And will lock you into a fate that is tragic

While my rhymes are weak at best

I’m here to help you through your test

When one means one, and the next means “Fight!”

Choose the door that says, “all right!”

 The riddle is annoying and completely unneeded. You don’t see why you had to listen to its foul and grotesque mishandling of whatever language you happen to speak, and you dearly hope you never have to listen to the like ever again. In any case, the ‘horrors’ behind each door don’t sound too dangerous, and you’re sure you can quickly shut the door before anything charges out at you. And what’s so frightening about a chin-up bar, anyway?

A.      Choose the door on the left

B.      Choose the door in the middle

C.      Choose the door on the right

Page 6C

You use the rope to swing across.

Striking a pose like Indiana Jones, who, thanks to your poor memory, you may or may not have ever heard of, you use the rope to grab the edge of the hook. The shotgun wizard and jetpack dragon leap onto your back, and you swing across the pit in a totally magnificent manner. If there were any ladies—or dudes, you suppose—watching you at this moment, they would be putty in your hands. Putty, you say.

Onward!

Page 6B

You ignore the shotgun wizard and sidle along the edge.

The three of you start to sidle along the edge of the pit. Before you’re halfway across, several of the inmates and guards come storming around the selfsame corner you did. Unfortunately, their momentum keeps them going right into the snake pit, causing you to once again pause and consider its practicality.

Onward!

Page 6A

You ignore the jetpack dragon and use the propulsion machine to rocket all three of you across.

You and the shotgun wizard jump onto the jetpack dragon’s back, demanding he take you across despite his warning. The jetpack dragon hesitantly revs the propulsion machine, and the three of you start to make your crossing. Unfortunately, only a few feet in, the propulsion machine sputters and dies.

As the three of you plummet to your deaths, you calmly ask the jetpack dragon if he could please use his wings. The jetpack dragon's only response is to reply, “I have wings?”

The three of you are instantly devoured.

Never mind, let’s not do that.

Page 5

You and your party turn the corner and nearly fall into a writhing snake pit. Before considering your options, you briefly puzzle over the practicality of keeping a snake pit inside a prison.

The shotgun wizard points out that there is a hook hanging over the pit. The jetpack dragon informs you the propulsion machine does not have enough thrust to carry all three of you across. Absent-mindedly reaching into your belt, you feel a rope-like object. Upon further inspection, you realize it is not only rope-like, but, in all actuality, a rope.

A. Ignore the jetpack dragon and use the propulsion machine to rocket all three of you across.

B. Ignore the shotgun wizard and sidle along the edge.

C. Use the rope to swing across.

Page 4C

You free the inmates.

Quickly throwing together a ridiculous plan that has no chance of working, you throw the shogun wizard into the jetpack dragon’s arms, punch the propulsion machine’s throttle, and dive onto the ground. The jetpack dragon turns rapidly in place, and the vibrations emanating from propulsion machine cause the shotgun wizard to repeatedly cast the Ultimate Spell. The bullets fortuitously fly into all the inmates’ door locks, freeing them instantly.

Grabbing your cellmates, you flee the ensuing pandemonium, noting a distracted yet frightening guard watching you as you take your leave.

Onward!

Page 4B

You ditch your cellmates.

Tearing down the hallway away from your cellmates, you rejoice in the fact that you have been freed from the prison with little to no effort on your part. The guards fall upon your cellmates, and their cries of pain echo down the hallway after you. Paying them no heed, you turn the corner.

You promptly run into a remarkably frightening guard, who, in turn, promptly eviscerates you.

Never mind, let's not do that.



Page 4A

You engage the guards.

Letting loose a fearsome battle cry, you charge toward the guards, abandoning all sense of wisdom or intelligence. While one might expect an aspiring battle commander to make sure his army is following him, you quickly realize the shotgun wizard and jetpack dragon have remained behind, completely distracted by their own petty concerns. The guards turn you into mincemeat, and your last regret is that you died before you could watch your cellmates die as well.

Never mind, let's not do that.

Page 3

A cold, dusty hallway lies beyond the doorway. The other inmates clamor for your assistance, but a squadron of guards is charging toward you from the north. The shotgun wizard informs you he has to pee, and the jetpack dragon starts to fiddle with the controls on his propulsion machine.

A. Engage the Guards

B. Ditch your cellmates

C. Free the inmates



Page 2B

You follow the jetpack dragon's plan.

Revving up his propulsion machine, the jetpack dragon careens toward the door. He has very little time to build up momentum, however, and is knocked back onto the ground in a daze. Upon further inspection, however, you learn the force of the blow was enough to shatter the lock.

Much rejoicing is had from the party at large.
A. Onward!

Page 2A

 

You follow the shotgun wizard's plan.
The shotgun wizard prepares his Ultimate Spell. Invoking the power of the Shotgun Gods, he aims...
AND...
Fires!
The lock is shattered, prompting much rejoicing from the party at large.
A. Onward!

Page 1

You wake up in a jail cell with no recollection of how you got there. A shotgun wizard and a jetpack dragon immediately accost you, demanding you act as the mediator between their dispute. Seeing no other option, you agree to comply.

                The shotgun wizard and jetpack dragon have been devising two separate plans of escape for many moons, and it is only now when they are able to enact them. However, both insist their plan is better than the other’s. Once you pick a plan, they say, they will help you escape with them.

                The shotgun wizard wants to blast a hole through the lock using his arcane mastery over all the shotgun magics.

                The jetpack dragon wants to ram down the door using his propulsion machine as a means to literally use his head.

A. Follow the shotgun wizard's plan.

B. Follow the jetpack dragon's plan.